Sometimes I worry that I'm missing great shit when I pass over Larry King Live and the Charlie Rose Show because my digital cable guide never tells me who the guests are and I'm too lazy to actually click on the program to find out. Last weekend Larry King was calling out to me like a siren. I just had to find out who made the weekend recap episode. Surprise! I tune in to Larry trying to interview Motley Crue, but he's so woefully out of touch with their history and ouvre that he's forced to fill the hour with phone call questions. The first question involves Tommy Lee's infamous "titty cam" and Larry looks mostly bewildered with a hint of disgust. Nikki Six and Vince Neil also field questions. The band had been on for almost 10 mins before cutting to camera 3 and revealing that poor Mick Mars is stranded on far side of the interview table. I didn't even know he was there! C'mon Larry, Mick Mars may not be my favorite person to look at, but I'd rather watch him than you!
Last month I had the shall we say opportunity to meet my cousin's wife Kelly and their five kids for the first time at their apartment. To be honest I was expecting a scene like this one from Raising Arizona, but despite a voracious appetite for cheese puffs the kids were very well behaved. It was Kelly that wrote the proverbial 'fart' on the wall. She and I had some previous beef about some viciously nasty letters she wrote to my mom begging for money, so I wasn't expecting Martha Stewart to answer the door. The purpose of my visit was to pick up something for her hospitalized father-in-law, my uncle Gary. I'm not there 3 minutes and she's giving me a hard sell about how Gary Sr. wants her family to have his truck, all of his money and his guns - and me and my mom better know it. What the fuck do I want with guns? And my mom doesn't even drive! She has no need of a truck or guns. Also Gary Sr. isn't dead, he's just sick. I'm sure he wants his truck, his money and his guns! Plus she goes on to tell me that she seldom gets out of bed before noon. Noon? You have five kids! One's a toddler! Does she just leave snacks scattered around the apartment for them to eat? I spent most of the visit thinking, "Please be kidding me," and staring at Kelly's immodest display of skin. She was showing a lot of ink, and I was tempted to ask if the theatre masks on her arm were for her love of drama club or Motley Crue. Then she asks me what age I am and when I answer replies, "I didn't realize you were older than me." Alright cue to leave.
Turns out Kelly & Co ransacked Gary Sr.'s house while he was away, so I think he officially only has his truck left.